We all live with narratives about ourselves that shape the way we view our interactions with the world. Perhaps we think we are too much. So when somebody seems hesitant around us, we assume they think we are too much. Or we think we have to be perfect in order to engage in connections. So when somebody seems distant from us, we assume we aren’t perfect enough.
Sometimes, these narrative views are accurate, and other times, we spiral down our narrative when the person’s reaction isn’t even about us. They were just stuck in their narrative, too.
I find this a helpful reminder when I’m ruminating or can’t move on from an interaction with somebody. Yes, sometimes the answer is to talk to that person and clarify with them. But, until that conversation can happen, or if a conversation like that isn’t feasible, I find it helpful to remind myself that perhaps that person’s actions had nothing to do with me.
I recently had an experience where I felt like the natural leader in a situation and was comfortable being so. Then someone else joined the situation and started to take over. My initial thoughts were that this person saw me as incompetent, that I wasn’t doing enough, and that this person assumed they could do better than me (aspects of my narrative I’ve identified through therapy). Then I reminded myself that this person’s actions likely had nothing to do with me. Rather it had to do with their narrative of needing to be in control and appear to have their stuff together. Or if their actions did have something to do with me, it was simply that this person thought they were being helpful.
So, if you’ve had a recent interaction with somebody that you keep playing in your head, that you keep questioning what it is about you that caused this other person to react the way they did, remind yourself that perhaps that person’s actions had nothing to do with you.
Warmly,
Kylie Larson, MA, LPC
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